Hope is a thing no one can take from you. Only you can give it away.
I heard those words in a lecture hall at Kent State, years ago, spoken by Elie Wiesel himself. It was one of those evenings that stays with you long after the room empties out. He didn’t talk about hope like a feeling. He talked about it like a fact he’d witnessed firsthand. He said that on some days, in the camps, hope was as small as the soup having a little more flavor than usual. He said the ones who survived were often the ones who held onto something impossibly tender in the middle of horror: people who fell in love, who got married, even there. Hearing him speak that night didn’t just teach me about hope. It rearranged what I thought hope was for.
I find mine in smaller places now, though I’ve never forgotten that lecture. In the flowers blooming on my patio, opening a little more each morning like they have somewhere to be. In the way the sun sets slow and gold on a summer evening, like it’s in no hurry to leave either. In the people I’ve gathered close and the ones I’m still meeting: friends, family, neighbors, strangers who become something more.
Hope shows up when I nurture my small community and when I reach past it, too, volunteering, learning from people whose lives look nothing like mine, standing in solidarity across our differences for the sake of our environment, our health, our well-being. It shows up in education. The more I learn, the more I believe I can actually do something with what I know, on a small scale or a large one, it doesn’t matter. Learning is a kind of proof that things can change.
But if you want to know where I really learned hope, where I mean I learned it in my bones, before I had language for it, I have to tell you about the Browns.
Sundays With Dad
Every Sunday of my childhood, my dad and I watched the Browns. If the game was blacked out on the local channel, he’d find a workaround: put a different game on the TV, muted, and turn on the radio so we could still hear our game called play by play. Two screens and a radio, just to make sure the Browns were somehow in the room.
Any Browns fan can tell you what hope costs. There’s always next year isn’t a joke here, it’s the actual operating philosophy of the franchise. Every brutal loss, every disappointing season, came with its own quiet renewal. We’ll get a good draft pick. New coaching. New management. This is the year it turns around.
My dad never lost that. Down two scores with two minutes left, he’d still be leaning forward. There was always a path, an onside kick, a turnover, a miracle drive, however long the odds. He held onto it anyway. Not because he thought it was likely. Because hope, for a Browns fan, isn’t about likely. It’s a discipline. You practice it whether or not it pays off, because the practice is the point.
I share that same love of the team with my son now. But my dad passed away a year before my son was born, so the three of us never got to sit in a room together and watch a game the way my dad and I used to. I think about that a lot, the Sunday that never happened, the two screens and the radio my son never got to see.
What I Carry Forward
Here’s what I’ve come to understand: my dad didn’t just hand me a football team. He handed me a way of holding on. Hope, whether the season ends in heartbreak or not, that’s what he was really teaching me, all those Sundays, without either of us knowing it.
So now when I watch a game with my son, I’m not just watching the Browns. I’m passing along the same stubborn, ridiculous, necessary belief that showed up in our living room every week: that the long shot is still worth leaning into, that next year is always worth believing in, that hope isn’t something you wait to feel. It’s something you practice, on purpose, until it becomes who you are.
I carry that same practice into my work, too. As a therapist, I’m honored to help bring hope to others, not just through skills and treatment modalities, but through compassion and real life experience. Watching a client find their own hope, build it back up piece by piece until it’s theirs again, is one of the biggest rewards of what I do.
That’s the kind of hope I want to keep giving away.
I’ve been on hiatus for a year, and boy what a year it has been! Rollercoaster to say the least. I’ve been doing my best to stay involved with my community, provide support where and when I can, and finding time to relax and find joy.
Thoughts on this extreme winter…
We are in the middle of extreme winter weather here in Northeast Ohio, it is important to check on your loved ones. The extreme cold temperatures are deadly. There are warming centers all around. If you are moved and able please consider donating money or supplies to these wonderful organizations. If you need connected with an organization, feel free to contact Cherry Blossom, we will do our best to connect you.
Some things I have been doing include making sure electronics are always charged, stocking up on non-perishables, limiting time outside. The shoveling can wait! I have also had the opportunity to catch up on some shows with all my time hunkered down. Some have been great, some have been ok, and some have been downright frustrating.
Let’s start with the great shows I watched this winter! Any season of The Traitors is great, but the current celebrity season is running on Peacock and I can’t get enough. The drama, the scheming, Alan Cumming! If you’re not familiar it is a reality competition show where a few are secretly chosen to be the traitors while the rest are faithfuls and each episode they vote to eliminate one person in an effort to vote out a traitor then the traitors “murder” a faithful that night. Definitely check it out. Another great show I watched this winter is My Favorite Murder. This show started as a podcast 10 years ago and is now being aired on Netflix. They combine true crime and comedy, seems like a weird combination but it works.
The OK shows this winter include 11.22.63 on Netflix. This is an older series based on a Stephen King story. It is about time travel with the purpose of saving JFK from being assassinated and stopping the Vietnam war. I enjoyed the concept. I also watched His & Hers on Netflix. It was good, didn’t see the twist at the end, which I always enjoy a good twist! Another OK show I watched this winter was All Her Fault, it was predictable and I’ll leave it at that. The frustrating show for me this winter was Stranger Things. How can a show be so good then fall flat the last 4 episodes? There are theories why but we may never know. I was totally ready for the “real” finally to drop. I love a good conspiracy theory and the ending of this series has plenty of them. At the end of the day, it was just a poor ending. I mean, how were there no demegorgons or demodogs in the abyss??? How did they defeat the mind flayer in 5 minutes? Ugh, I could go on forever.
I hope you have found ways to fill your time and you are staying safe and warm. Please consider helping others if you can. Check on your neighbors. Check on family. And always- check in on yourself. I’m here if you need someone to talk to or to process with. Winter can be beautiful…but it can also feel long. Dark. Heavy.
The days are shorter. The skies are grayer. Motivation dips. Energy shifts. For some, winter brings more than cozy blankets and snowfalls- it brings loneliness, sadness, irritability, or exhaustion that feels hard to explain.
You are not weak for struggling in winter. You are human.
Seasonal changes affect our brains, our bodies, and our emotions. If this season feels harder than you expected, you don’t have to carry it alone. Therapy can be a light in a darker season. A steady place. A warm space. A reminder that spring always comes. If winter feels heavy, I am here for you.
As a caregiver, are you irritated by having to reset a password for the 100th time; maybe you have to, yet again, fix the TV (IYKYK). Are you feeling alone as the sole caregiver? Being a caregiver to a loved one is stressful and the holidays can add more stress which can lead to burnout. Being a caregiver is hard work, and caregivers may still have kids to raise and full-time jobs, making it even more overwhelming. It can be a lot! When I start to feel irritated, I need to remind myself that the underlying emotion is something else, like fear, sadness, or worry. It’s OK to not always have it together and not be able to handle every situation perfectly, but when we recognize the fuse is getting shorter it may be time to seek help. It is important to find balance with all the hats we wear. I found a great AARP article that discusses holiday stress and life balance, I listed the 11 tips below as well a link to the article. I also included links to a few books that may be helpful resources.
You are not alone on this caregiver journey. If you would like someone to talk to about it, we are here. Contact Cherry Blossom Counseling at (330) 221-2388 or email at cherryblossomcounseling@gmail.com Happy Holidays!
1. Seek help The holidays are a great time to get some extra help, even if you don’t normally do so. Just a few hours of assistance can be a huge relief. A concierge or personal assistant can complete items on your holiday to-do list or handle personal things like organizing mail or running errands. Hire someone to clean the house or catch up on laundry. It may be a good time to get respite — a break from caregiving. Try community and state resources like adult day care centers, in-home or facility-based respite care, or paid home health aides/caregivers to provide direct care for your loved ones.
2. Focus on what is most meaningful As much as caregivers would like to create the perfect holiday experience, remember that perfection is not the goal. It’s really about meaning and joy. There are many factors that can’t be controlled when it comes to a loved ones’ health and abilities, so adjust your view of a “successful” holiday. Talk with your loved ones about what makes the holidays most meaningful for them and for you, and prioritize those holiday activities. Focus on the least amount of things needed to evoke a holiday feeling and create good memories. Your grandmother’s tablecloth, the family menorah, a poinsettia or some candles along with holiday music and movies may be enough.
3. Simplify your holiday activities If going all out for the holidays will push you over the edge, remember that it doesn’t have to be all or nothing. If you can’t put every single decoration, choose a few items that are most significant. You might ask a friend to decorate or pay someone to do so. (My helper, Debbie, a “concierge,” assisted me with holiday decorations many times while I was caregiving for my parents, and it was such a relief!) You can always rearrange decorations once someone else puts them out. If going to all religious services feels like too much, choose the one service that means the most to you. If sending greeting cards is too time-consuming, try sending e-greetings, or just send cards to a few key people this year. Many family caregivers also adjust the location of celebrations or postpone holiday travel to accommodate loved ones in their care.
4. Start new traditions Instead of focusing on losses and what you and/or your loved ones aren’t able to do, try doing something new. If those you care for have trouble getting around, drive through a holiday light display or watch a holiday concert on TV. If you can’t make it to a holiday gathering, have a video chat. Start a home holiday movie night tradition, or watch old home movies and relish the memories. Are your loved ones unable to participate in decorating this year? Turn up the holiday music and invite a friend over to help and make it more festive. Your loved ones can be nearby to watch and cheer you on or be surprised with the results.
5. Adjust meals Food is a big part of many holidays, so it’s especially difficult to think about changing mealtime traditions. But meals also require a lot of time, money and coordination. Over many years of caregiving, I found holiday baking and cooking so exhausting that I couldn’t even enjoy the results.
Rather than canceling holiday meals entirely, I’ve learned to make adjustments like these: Simplify the menu. Try fewer side dishes or one dessert instead of three. Focus on the dishes that are traditional and give you that holiday feeling. Split up the grocery shopping and cooking among other family members and guests. There’s nothing wrong with a potluck. Pay someone to cook meals at your house ahead of time or on the holiday. Order all or part of your holiday meals to go from a local grocery store or restaurant — either fully cooked or ready for you to cook at home. Eat at someone else’s home or at a restaurant.
6. Approach gift giving more efficiently Gift giving is a part of many traditions, but it can be costly and time-consuming. Try shopping online (many online stores will also wrap gifts). You might ask a friend or relative to do your shopping and wrapping for you, or you can always fall back on gift cards. Family caregivers are often financially stressed, so it might be necessary to lower your gift-giving budget this year and scale back the number of presents. Give the gift of time or attention, like scheduling outings or helping with a project. If your family is large, draw names and exchange with just one person. Have a regifting exchange, sharing items you already have. Order a photo gift — like a photo mug, pillow or calendar — or write a meaningful letter that can be enjoyed throughout the year.
7. Anticipate holiday hot buttons Are there holiday activities or toxic relatives that trigger stress or unhappy memories? Perhaps feelings of grief or loss overcome you at certain times of day. Do unhelpful relatives arrive for the holidays and criticize your caregiving? For some families, lifelong conflicts inevitably flare up at gatherings. It may be best to limit your exposure to — or even avoid — certain places, events, conversations or people. If you can’t do that, prepare yourself. Minimize the drama, and don’t try to resolve problems over the holidays. Instead, try short encounters and develop quick-exit strategies. Mentally put yourself in a protective bubble, letting negative energy bounce off without hurting, annoying or distressing you.
8. Mind your mindset Negative thinking activates your body’s stress response, so steer your mind to the positives when you start down that slippery slope. Try to stay mindful, concentrating on the present moment. Think about what you can accomplish instead of what isn’t getting done; celebrate what your loved ones can do rather than dwelling on what they can no longer participate in; revel in the holiday joys you experience instead of focusing on those you bypass; appreciate the help you are receiving rather than resenting people who aren’t supportive.
9. Keep self-care at the top of the list As caregivers, we give and give and give, and during the holidays we give even more. And the holidays can bring heightened emotions. All that giving can leave you running on empty, with high stress levels or even full-on burnout. Beware of extreme emotional ups and downs, fatigue, foggy thinking and an inability to sit still or the opposite — feeling frozen and unable to get anything done, or the desire to run away. Seek counseling or talk to your doctor if you are feeling depressed or anxious. When we’re busy it’s easy to let self-care slip just as we need it most. Like our cars, we can’t run on an empty, so think about what fills you up and do more of that. Get plenty of good-quality sleep, and keep moving: Walk with loved ones in a decorated shopping mall, or dance to holiday music. Enjoy holiday goodies in moderation; too many sugary treats can cause an energy crash later. Monitor yourself for unhealthy coping skills, like overeating or drinking too much. Get outside for some mood-elevating vitamin D from sunlight, or consider therapeutic lighting if you suffer from seasonal affective disorder. Relax with some holiday-scented aromatherapy to soothe and boost your mood.
10. Connect with other caregivers While non-caregivers may not understand your feelings, other caregivers are experiencing many of the same emotions you are. Connect with them to share your feelings and get tips for holiday survival. If it’s difficult to get to an in-person caregiver support group due to health issues, holiday activities or weather, try online message boards or social media groups like AARP’s Family Caregiver Discussion Group on Facebook, which I moderate. I’d love to see you there!
11. Create your wish list Let friends and family know what gifts would — and wouldn’t — be most helpful and meaningful to you this year. They can gift you help with your holiday preparations like decorating, wrapping presents or preparing holiday meals. Any time of year, help cleaning the house, gardening, organizing, sorting mail or spending time with your loved ones are wonderful gifts. Friends and family can also pay for help if they can’t offer it themselves. If there are practical items you want that would save you time and money, ask for them. If self-care prompts are what you really need, ask for a gift card for a massage, manicure, round of golf or whatever nurtures you, body and soul. It might be that this year, you just want a listening ear; ask for a supportive phone call once a week.
Remember, you’ll be happier if you can go with the flow and expect that there will be some delays, a crisis or two and maybe some disappointments. But alongside those things, there can be real joy. Our family spent Christmas in the hospital with Dad one year when he was sick. We made the most of it with decorations and music and festive headgear (hats, headbands, antlers). The hospital prepared a darn good holiday meal for us too. It was a stressful time, but we also laughed and loved each other and made new memories.
The bottom line is that this time is precious. Even if this holiday season doesn’t include all of your family traditions, savor the moments and make new, meaningful memories you can cherish forever.
Additional resources:
“Caregiver’s Survival Guide: Caring for Yourself While Caring for a Loved One”
November 15th, 2024 | Comments Off on Trans Awareness Month
November is Trans Awareness Month and to kick it off I wanted to share this clip of Laverne Cox https://youtu.be/qF417t9WaZk from the Masked Singer. She is a talent! I love that she talked about healing her trauma and spoke to what it is like being a black trans woman in America today. Most of all I LOVED her voice! Chaka Khan watch out.
Women in trans awareness
It is so important to include trans women in women’s spaces. Laverne has been a champion for trans women, check out her speech at Variety’s Power of Women from 2016 here: https://youtu.be/pPY2ZCkT9p0.
Use inclusive language. Say “women” instead of adding phrases like “female-identifying people” which can imply that trans women are not fully considered women.
Be proactive in inclusion. Clearly state that all women, including trans women, are welcome.
Educate yourself and others. Understand the experiences of trans women and address any misconceptions about their identities.
Address concerns with sensitivity. If someone has concerns about trans women being in a women’s space, listen respectfully and address them with factual information and a focus on creating a safe environment for everyone.
Important gender identifications including trans
Potential challenges to consider.
Transphobia. Some individuals might hold negative views towards trans women, which can create a hostile environment.
Misconceptions about gender. Some people may not understand that trans women are women and might need education on this topic.
Privacy concerns. Addressing concerns about privacy in shared spaces like bathrooms can be important, but should not be used to exclude trans women
There are soooo many trans women activists, I challenge you to look one up and learn about their history and the work they do. Also, November 20 is the transgender day of remembrance, it is an annual observance that honors the memory of the transgender people whose lives were lost in acts of anti-transgender violence. You could consider looking for a local vigil. Vigils are typically hosted by local transgender advocates or LGBTQ organizations, and held at community centers, parks, places of worship, and other venues.
October 15th, 2024 | Comments Off on Political Trauma
Note about Halloween (not related to political trauma):
Special note: As Halloween approaches, I want to remind everyone of what the blue and teal pumpkins represent. If a trick-or-treater comes to your door with a blue pumpkin, please know it represents the carrier is on the autism spectrum and they may not be able to say “trick or treat” or “thank you”. The teal pumpkin represents that the carrier has food allergies. If you have a teal pumpkin out the trick or treater will know you have nonfood options for them to choose. Happy haunting!
Trick-or-treaters may come to your house with non-orange colored pumpkins. To make it a fun & safe experience for all children, we hope you’ll find this guide helpful!
Do any of these apply to you in relation to experiencing political trauma?
The article lists 14 signs you may be experiencing political trauma: 1. Constant feeling of being on edge 2. Difficulty trusting political leaders 3. Increased anxiety during news coverage 4. Feeling powerless to affect change 5. Avoidance of political discussions 6. Difficulty sleeping due to stress 7. Persistent feelings of anger or frustration 8. Heightened sensitivity to political events 9. Physical symptoms like headaches and fatigue 10. Estrangement from friends or family over political views 11. Intrusive thoughts about political scenarios 12. Loss of interest in previously enjoyed activities 13. Emotional numbness or detachment 14. Increased use of substances to cope
If you are experiencing any of these signs reach out to a mental health therapist for help. A therapist’s office is a safe space to discuss how you are feeling; the therapist is an unbiased ear. If you ever feel not safe discussing any topic it is OK to seek a different therapist. Political discussions have traditionally been taboo but we need to be talking about how current day politics are affecting our mental health. A common discussion clients have in my office are fears for safety due to the political climate; work with your therapist to develop a plan for safety if you are feeling this way.
Jen’s suggestions on dealing with political trauma…
It is important to be aware of what is happening around us and not take a “head in the sand” approach. However, my suggestion is to limit exposure to political discourse by reducing the amount of time you watch or listen to the news, gently change topics when friends or co-workers discuss politics, and find an opportunity to contribute to a cause you are passionate about. This boosts feeling that you are making a positive change.
September 12th, 2024 | Comments Off on Suicide Awareness
September is National Suicide Awareness month. Thoughts of suicide can be distressing but it is more common than you might think. Help is available, text 741741, call or text 988, call 911. You can also reach out to the Trevor Project through their website at www.thetrevorproject.org. Cherry Blossom Counseling is here to help you through this difficult time with kindness and nonjudgement, give us a call at (330) 221-2388 to schedule an appointment.
Myth 1: Talking about suicide increases the chance a person will act on it.
Fact: Talking about suicide may reduce, rather than increase, suicidal ideation. It improves mental health-related outcomes and the likelihood that the person would seek treatment. Having suicide awareness and opening this conversation helps people find an alternative view of their existing circumstances. If someone is in crisis or depressed, asking if he or she is thinking about suicide can help, so don’t hesitate to start the conversation.
Myth 2: People who talk about suicide are just seeking attention.
Fact: People who die from suicide have often told someone about not wanting to live anymore or they do not see the future. It’s always important to take seriously anybody who talks about feeling suicidal. Suicide awareness can be tricky. It’s important to be kind and sensitive, and ask direct questions such as: “Are you thinking about hurting yourself?” “Are you thinking about suicide?” or “Do you have access to weapons or things that can be used as weapons to harm yourself?”
Myth 3: Suicide can’t be prevented.
Fact: Suicide is preventable but unpredictable. Most people who contemplate suicide, often experience intense emotional pain, hopelessness and have a negative view of life or their futures. Suicide is a product of genes, mental health illnesses and environmental risk factors. Interventions targeted to treat psychiatric and substance use illnesses could save lives.
Myth 4: People who take their own lives are selfish, cowards or weak.
Fact: People do not die of suicide by choice. Often, people who die of suicide experience significant emotional pain and find it difficult to consider different views or see a way out of their situation. Even though the reasons behind suicide are quite complex, frequently suicide is associated with psychiatric illnesses, such as depression, anxiety, bipolar disorder, schizophrenia and substance use.
Myth 5: Teenagers and college students are the most at risk for suicide.
Fact: The suicide rate for this age group is below the national average, and suicide risk increases with age. The age group with the highest suicide rate in the U.S. is men and women between 45 and 64. Though particular groups may be at higher risk, suicide is a problem among all ages and groups.
Myth 6: Barriers to bridges, safe firearm storage and other actions to reduce access to lethal methods of suicide don’t work.
Fact: Limiting access to lethal means, such as firearms, is one of the simplest strategies to decrease the chances of suicide. Many suicide attempts are a result of impulsive decisions. Therefore, separating someone from a lethal means could provide a person some time to think before doing harm o themselves.
Myth 7: Suicide always occurs without warning.
Fact: There are almost always warning signs before a suicide attempt.
Talking about suicide — making statements such as “I’m going to kill myself,” “I wish I were dead” or “I wish I hadn’t been born.”
Getting the means to take your own life, such as buying a gun or stockpiling pills.
Withdrawing from social contact and wanting to be left alone.
Having mood swings, such as being emotionally high one day and deeply discouraged the next.
Being preoccupied with death, dying or violence.
Feeling trapped or hopeless about a situation.
Increasing use of alcohol or drugs.
Changing normal routine, including eating or sleeping patterns.
Doing risky or self-destructive things, such as using drugs or driving recklessly.
Giving away belongings or getting affairs in order when there is no other logical explanation for doing this.
Saying goodbye to people as if they won’t be seen again.
Developing personality changes or being severely anxious or agitated, particularly when experiencing some of the warning signs listed above.
Myth 8: Talk therapy and medications don’t work.
Fact: Treatment can and does work. One of the best ways to prevent suicide is by getting treatment for mental illnesses, such as depression, bipolar illness or substance abuse, and learning ways to cope with problems. Finding the best treatment can take some time, and the right treatment can greatly reduce the risk of suicide.
If a friend or loved one talks or behaves in a way that makes you believe he or she might attempt suicide, don’t try to handle the situation alone. Suicide awareness can happen with:
Get help from a trained professional as quickly as possible. The person may need to be hospitalized until the suicidal crisis has passed.
Encourage the person to call a suicide hotline number. In the U.S., call the 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline at 988 or chat at 988lifeline.org to reach a trained counselor. Call 988 and press “1” to reach the Veterans Crisis Line.
You’re not responsible for preventing someone from taking their own life, but your intervention and suicide awareness may help them see that other options are available to stay safe and get treatment.
